This is even worse than I thought!

Kristen Johnston gave Entertainment Weekly a little more information on what's going on with the new American butchery of my beloved Absolutely Fabulous. Kristen corrected the previous rumors that she's in talks to play Edina -- she's actually in the running for Patsy (which makes sense, I guess). Kathryn Hahn is in talks to play Edina (it still doesn't make it right!).

I wish Kristen would have stopped right there when talking about this mess. Instead, she had to go further, which drove the knife deeper into my back. The tip is practically sticking out of my chest. Kristen confirmed my deepest and darkest fears about the show: They are basically taking away all the dirty stuff (the stuff that made it great) and turning it into a big bowl of lukewarm Cream of Wheat made with fluoridated tap water instead of creamy goatsmilk.

Of this steaming bowl of mess, Kristen said, "I think they captured the exact amount of sweetie-darling." (BG's Note: NO. THEY. DID. NOT. EFF YEW -- THEY DID NOT.)

"I mean, it’s a totally different element, it’s a totally different show." (Yeah, thanks Captain Obvious...)

"We don’t smoke, we're not hungover all the time, we chew Nicorette (you wild child!), we’re trying to be more PC, but I think it really works." (You think incorrectly...)

"It’s one of those scripts that’s like my favorite kind because on paper you’re like, Oh, this is funny, but when you read it out loud with two actresses, it’s, like, the funniest $hit ever."
(Yeah, well, this from a woman who starred in Third Rock from the Sun...this mess sounds about as funny as a hemmorhoid covered in lemon juice. Actually, that hemmorhoid covered in lemon juice sounds funnier...)

Basically, this sounds more like a modern day version of Little House on the Prairie. This doesn't sound like AbFab at all. Why don't they just rename the characters and change the title to something like, Boiled Broccoli with Dog Poop On Top. Why drag the beautiful AbFab name down with them?

And on another note, when did Kristen Johnston become a garden lizard? Throw some dead flies at her mouth. That will keep her busy so she won't partake in screwing up a TV classic.

No, Sweetie Darling, NO!!!

You can't see me right now, but I am swearing like a sailor on the high seas. We all already know that Fox is going to Hell in a handbasket for obvious reasons, but all the veins Bill O'Reilly has popped in the past, present, and future PALES in comparison to what I'm about to tell you.

Variety says Kristen Johnston is in talks to play Edina Monsoon in the pilot episode of the "American remake" of Absolutely Fabulous. Kristen was at a table read with Fox execs last Friday. Kathryn Hahn was also in the table read, but it's not known what role she helped butcher. I'm guessing Patsy?

You know who should play Edina and Patsy? Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley! And only them! Kristen Johnston is fine, but she's looking a little like a Manhattan tortured wife who eats pills instead of food.

"Well, maybe she will work then?," you naively say?
NO! She won't. Nobody will.

This is going to be the worst show in the history of television. This is what we do in America: we take amazing TV shows from other countries, ruin them, and try to find ways to get them canceled in record time.

(Although Kath & Kim is still breathing and I'm not sure why. I'll have to ask Satan that during our weekly conference call with Ronald Reagan...)

Instead of doing mounds of coke, they are going to get really "zany" on too much Red Bull. Instead of trying to have an orgy and failing, they are going to be humiliated during a speed dating session. It's going to be absolutely rated G...for GARBAGE!

I just want to tell the American version of AbFab to "take a holiday, darling. South of France."

*growls, stomps off*