Now THIS is CLASSY!

Today's celebrity photo is of Popeye's Chicken. This is the hotness right here. It makes people do wrong things for it. A young mother in Jacksonville, FL knows all about the classiness.

The young woman -- let's give her a really CLASSY name, like Marianne (HA!) -- was closing up a Popeye's with her boyfriend when a few dudes in a Pontiac started following them.

Marianne's chicken brings all the boys to the yard!

She says they started shouting at her, "GIVE US THE CHICKEN!"

Aw. I remember in the old days when strange, creepy old men in cars would shout that at my friends and I while we were walking down the street.

Anyway, these guys wanted Marianne's Popeye's Chicken! Marianne kept on walking.

After a few minutes, the dudes sped off. Marianne and her man kept on walking home thinking they were gone, but the dudes reappeared and this time they stepped their game up. They pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot Marianne if she didn't give up the chicken!

Marianne's boyfriend begged them not to shoot her, because she's two months pregnant (said in the best Maury Povich voice: You are NOT the father!). Marianne and her boyfriend got on the floor and that's when the poultry robbers stole her chicken and her purse.

They only took her purse because they probably thought she had some biscuits in there.

The police are currently looking for the chicken thieves.

Why So Classy? :: Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza

Been a while since a celebrity has been so dumb as to elicit my ever-coveted Why So Classy? exclamation, but there it is...

You might want to get on the phone with your travel agent right now to book a trip to the extremely beautiful paradise known as Guantánamo Bay, because it will be the travel destination of the year! Miss Universe agrees, because she recently paid a visit and never wanted to leave!

The New York Times says The Miss Universe Organization sent the brain trust known as Dayana Mendoza to the detention center in Cuba to meet the U.S. soldiers and their families.

Two days ago, she blogged about it on her website, but it was taken down yesterday. You can read the whole entry here, but I've pointed out some of the real gems below:

This week, Guantánamo!!! It was an incredible experience.
We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills.

We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how the recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting.

The water in Guantánamo Bay is soooo beautiful! It was unbelievable, we were able to enjoy it for at least an hour.

I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.


Okay, in her defense, she's dumber than a sack of dog poop and can't help it. But seriously, I think she was mostly talking about the town itself when she says it was "beautiful" and "relaxing." I have to tell myself this, or I'll simply drink myself to death.

After The Miss Universe Organization took down the post, they issued this statement: "Dayana Mendoza’s comments on her blog were in reference to the hospitality she received while meeting the members of the U.S. military and their families who are stationed in Guantánamo."

Methinks they should just keep Miss Universe away from anything that causes her to put thoughts together. Just smile, wave, play with cute doggies, smile, wave, play with cute babies...

Padma Lakshmi for Hardee's

Now, I'm vegan, so y'all have to help me out: Isn't this how you're supposed to eat a cheeseburger? You sit on a stoop, hike up your dress, spread your legs and devour that thing like you haven't seen food since Clinton was President. Just like Clinton, that cheeseburger won't tell you it loves you, and won't even think of calling you the next day. And, just like Clinton, the cheeseburger left behind a little memento on her dress.

(And you all think I can't make fun of liberals! Personally, I think Clinton was the best President of the modern era, but a spade's a spade: he was far from a faithful husband...)

But on a serious note, women like Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi OBVIOUSLY don't eat things like cheeseburgers. (Those things add up...in the wallet, the waistline, AND the major arteries...) Hardee's is not catering to their demographic. This should be an obese construction worker sitting on the sidewalk with sauce dripping all over his left moob which is poking out of his overalls. Way sexier.

My Little Nightmare

No, this isn't Sarah Jessica Parker as The Joker in the next Batman movie, it's the mini creature that will crash my dreams tonight and turn them into a nightmare.

Artist Mari Kasurinen took My Little Pony and transformed it into classic movie characters. Aside from The Joker, Mari took characters from Kill Bill, Edward Scissorhands, and of course, Star Wars (BLASPHEMY!).

It's pretty amazing that Mari made a creepy thing even creepier. There's no way I could shut my eyes with one of those things in my house. Even if I threw it in the trash and put a brick over the garbage can, it would find a way out. Those twinkly eyes say "I will eat your face tonight" and that slimy grin adds "And I'll like it."

MUPPET MASSACRE!!

Where was PETA when you really, really needed them?! There's a sack of flour somewhere waiting to unload itself all over this butchery!

The models at Jean-Charles de Castelbajac's fashion show in Paris last night walked down the runway wearing the decapitated heads and hides of our beloved Muppet friends. Even Fozzie. NOT FOZZIE!

Why So Classy? :: Hayden Panettiere

If your name is Hayden Panettiere, don't go around acting like you're hot poop. Because you're not.

UsWeekly says that at a benefit for the Rehabilitation Hospital of the Pacific Foundation in Honolulu, Hayden flipped out at photographers and reporters. Before posing for pictures, she yelled "Back up!" When a TV reported touched her on the shoulder to get her attention, Hayden screamed, "Don't you ever touch me!" Hayden finally had enough, but before she stomped off, she told reporters, "You all make my life miserable!"

She's even making the whales cry!

Mother of the Year: Shauna Sand-Lamas

Shauna Sand-Lamas, ex-wife of Falcon Crest star Lorenzo Lamas, should really write a book on how to be the perfect mother. Lynne Spears & Dina Lohan have nothing on this woman!

In the video above, Shauna tells TMZ that Playboy has been a big part of her family. Shauna said she's been taking her daughters to the Playboy mansion since they were 4 (and where was Hef in all this?! Yeah, we know -- in the grotto...). Shauna then turned to her 9-year-old daughter and said, "Do you want to be in Playboy?? Rip the Mother of the Century trophy out of OctoCrazy's slimy hands, because we have ourselves a new winner!

If you're a mother and you have dreams of your daughter spread eagle in the pages of Playboy, then you need to go down to the doctor and ask for a jumbo shot of mother's intuition. Or just ask for a shot in the head, period.

Shauna's little daughter's sarcastic response was, "Yeah, a little girl in a magazine with stripper shoes and a bathing suit." Ha!

Gimme, Gimme More...CHEETOS!

Oh, Britney, Britney, Britney. Tsk tsk tsk.

Here’s Britney Spears on tour in Atlanta. Now...what are they feeding Britney on this tour?! I want to see her rider!

Her management better watch her diet, because at this rate, by the end of the tour they are going to have to wheel her off stage.

OH, COME ON ALREADY!!!

If you had even a scintilla of doubt lingering that this woman had even a hint of a functioning brain cell, let this news serve as your salvo.

TMZ says that someone is currently trying to sell OctoCrazy's birth tape for around seven figures. No, the horror show wasn't directed by Eli Roth, but somebody shot that film in the delivery room...with OctoCrazy's blessing.

Seriously, this will make Saw look like The Sound of Music. A blood bath to rival all blood baths.

Folks, let me save you the trouble of what it will look like...


You're welcome.

Why So Classy? :: Megan Hauserman

Megan Hauserman needs to realize that if she's going to be on a Vh1 reality show, she's either going to get her butt kicked (if she's lucky) or she's going to catch some mutant strain of VD. More than that: you should know, as a person, that you don't mess with someone's family, especially someone who can answer the question, "You and what army?"

That's why Megan shouldn't be shocked that Sharon Osbourne poured wine on her head and yanked at her skanky weave after she called Ozzy "brain dead." The brawl went down on the Rock of Love: Charm School reunion show a little while ago and now Megan is suing over it.

TMZ says Megan filed the lawsuit yesterday in L.A. County Superior Court. Megan is suing for "for battery, negligence and infliction of emotional distress."

Emotional distress?! Battery? This is coming from someone who kissed Bret Michaels and probably peeked under under his bandana. If that doesn't scar you for life, I don't know what does.

Welcome Back Bernadette! :: The Bachelor

First off, I'm wishing myself a WELCOME BACK to the blog after a brief hiatus. (And, apologies to those of you who thought you were rid of me for good. You can't keep a good woman down!)

To celebrate my triumphant return, like Ulysses returning from the Peloponnesians, I've decided to dedicate my first post to the reality show that everyone's talking about: The Bachelor.

Reality Steve (www.realitysteve.com) was 100% correct in his spoiler predictions!

So, as everyone knows (because it made the morning news -- I mean, even Evangeline Lilly refused to sit next to him on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night!) Jason dumped Molly, proposed to Melissa, dumped Melissa and then chose Molly.

The whole thing really played out like the worst telenovela ever. This isn't even worthy of Amor Real.

First of all, if they wanted to bring the drama and raw emotion, they should have chosen a better actor, because Jason's acting skills STINK.
Note to Jason: When crying, tears have to be involved.
It just looked like he was trying to pass a kidney stone.

It became clear that the whole thing was set up when Molly kept crying about how he made the worst mistake of his life and he's going to regret it.

Ooooh, foreshadowing. Why so clever, Bachelor producers?

And millions of people learned about Jason's "regret" on the After the Rose special.

Chris Harrison started the hour by telling us what we were about to watch was so sensitive and so intimate that they decided out of respect for all parties involve to shoot it without a studio audience. Yeah, really intimate...with millions of people watching. Intimate for who...Jenna Jamison?

So, Jason came out and said that after spending time with Melissa, he realized they weren't right for each other. Then Melissa came out, Jason broke it off with her and she proceeded to show him up in the acting department.

After Melissa and Jason played out their scene, she gave the ring back and stormed off into a waiting limo. Then Molly came out, Jason asked her to be his and they lived happily ever after. *eye roll*

For the record: Jason told People that he wanted to quit Melissa off-camera, but producers said it was in his contract that it had to be done in front of everybody. Whatta guy.

I'm sure that on tonight's third reunion show (yes, there's another one), Jason will dump Molly and propose marriage to Clive Owen.

Below is a clip of Jason's amazing acting skills. Get the Oscar ready.
And what was up with that set?! All those cheap tea lights! Fire hazard!
Actually, I would've clapped if the whole joint went up in flames.

Why So Classy?: For The Love of Ray J

And with this announcement, For the Love of Ray J has displaced Rock of Love Tour Bus as my guilty trash extravaganza! (God help the poor soul that had to clean out that tour bus...it must've smelled like Pike Street in there...)

SO ANYWAY, 22-year-old Monica Leon, who goes by the name Danger (that's the classy one with the tattoo on her face) on For the Love of Ray-j, has run off and told the National Enquirer that she's 3 months pregnant with Ray-J's baby. What's even more special is that Monica claims they made a baby on the set of that elegant show.

What a beautiful thing. The baby is going to grow up to find out it was conceived on rented sheets on a rented bed in a rented house...in front of the whole VH1 viewing audience. For the Love of Ray-J is the trashiest home movie ever.

Monica told the Enquirer, "There is no way the baby can be anyone's but Ray J's. I was locked in a mansion with him and 13 girls from October until the end of December. Toward the end of the first week of filming, we made love for the first time - and we slept together every night after that! I didn't want to fall for Ray J, but he was so charming it became impossible not to. I was in love with him, and as strange as it might sound, I think he loved me."

Made love?! MADE LOVE?! Honey, I hate to be the bearer of bad news (and not to sound like a Catholic school nun), but when a dude you've known for a week has unprotected sex with you (and 13 other women!), that's NOT love...that's GRADE A, UNABASHED STUPIDITY! If you didn't catch a baby, you would've caught a, *ahem* (in a Victorian voice) "social disease"!

But seriously, VH1 could find a way to turn this into a show. For the Love of a Child Support Check! Maury Povich would host, obviously. (Oh no...I just gave them an idea...)

Miss Why So Classy? February 2009

Now, why is Tamara from I Love Money 2 deserve this month's Miss Why So Classy? Award?

Let's start with a quote: "I'm afraid of water. Um. Maybe I shouldn't get a houseboat then."

That was just one of the many beautiful gems that came out of Tamara's echo chamber head during last night's I Love Money 2. This is the kind of moron we could all use as a friend. She will make anyone feel like the president of Mensa! And she would be so much fun at parties! I bet if you tied a sock around her waist, she'd fall over! If you put a piece of scotch tape on her nose, she'd spend hours trying to get it off. If you asked her what the capital of Los Angeles was, smoke would start to float out of her ears. I love her!

Tamara's genius started when she said that if she won the money, she'd buy a houseboat and park it in the ocean. But then she suddenly realized that she was afraid of water, so maybe living on a houseboat wasn't such a good thing. Stupidity like this is a God-given gift!

Tamara's greatest moment came when she (SPOILER ALERT) lost an arm-wrestling match and had to leave the show. In Tamara's defense, there was no way she going to win that match when she's on a permanent 15-second delay. After she lost, Tamara's balloon head almost popped. She flipped out and yelled at the crew, "You have no hearts and no souls! You should be ashamed of yourselves for exploiting these stupid idiots!" The crew totally shrugged and mumbled, "Yeah, so? When do we eat?!"

And she also screamed that she's a winner who has been on 50 magazine covers! Um. Tamara. You know that those "magazine covers" you shot at a Six Flags photo booth aren't real?! Yeah, we shouldn't burst her bubble head.

Tamara's meltdown actually surprised me. I'm impressed that she knows that many words. I figured she was operating on a 12-word vocabulary.

After she got tired from overusing her one brain cell, Tamara stormed out...the wrong door. HA! If Chrissy Snow was a Midwestern lot lizard who was addicted to Purple Drank, her name would be Tamara. Seriously, get Miss Why So Classy? February 2009 her own show called Are You Smarter Than Tamara?! Everyone is a winner! Even inanimate objects!

Why So Classy?: The Remix!

Since this is a family friendly blog, I won't post the video here, but I'll simply send you to the link HERE.

The inevitable remix of Christian Bale's profanity-filled epic rant has arrived. This is going to straight to the top of the dance charts. I always knew Christian Bale would be a techno chanteuse one day.

Barbara Streisand even makes a cameo!!! In my version of heaven, this song is what the angels will play in the elevator.

Let's all drop some E, trash the lights and then give each other glow stick shows while bouncing to this!

Does anyone have babies for LOVE anymore?!

Nadya Suleman, the baby addict who popped out 8 babies (she has 6 more at home, for a total of 14 kids!) has hired publicist Joan Killeen to represent her to the media.

This woman needed to hire a nanny and a psychologist, not a publicist!

Joan showed up on Good Morning America today and said Nadya has named all 8 of her babies, but wouldn't give up the names.

Joan wouldn't talk about the rumors that Nadya is getting paid up to $2 million for an interview with Oprah. But she did say that Nadya has gotten hundreds of offers for book deals, TV shows and free stuff from baby companies. Joan went on to say that Nadya is looking "at all the opportunities and choices she has to provide best financial future for her children. She's looking forward to telling the story and setting the record straight. Nadya is a very balanced and together woman. She looks at this as an opportunity from God and she loves children and she's very very excited."

You know, not for anything, but there are people in this country who are STARVING, who would give ANYTHING to feed their children...and here comes this woman who believes she deserves a REWARD for popping out babies at a near-break-neck rate and throwing her parents into foreclosure/bankruptcy. Of course, Nadya doesn't have this little thing called a JOB. Why get a JOB to support yourself and your children when you have corrupt companies willing to let "regular" people starve while she gets it all for FREE?

Seriously, we are all in the wrong business. Baby making is the business to be in. I need to implant 20 embryos in me (preferably fertilized by Christian Bale, I don't care how "crazy" the man is), so I can be the world's first feminist who gave birth to 20 BABIES!!! Duggar who? Pregnant Dude what? Octo-mommy ha?

This is even worse than I thought!

Kristen Johnston gave Entertainment Weekly a little more information on what's going on with the new American butchery of my beloved Absolutely Fabulous. Kristen corrected the previous rumors that she's in talks to play Edina -- she's actually in the running for Patsy (which makes sense, I guess). Kathryn Hahn is in talks to play Edina (it still doesn't make it right!).

I wish Kristen would have stopped right there when talking about this mess. Instead, she had to go further, which drove the knife deeper into my back. The tip is practically sticking out of my chest. Kristen confirmed my deepest and darkest fears about the show: They are basically taking away all the dirty stuff (the stuff that made it great) and turning it into a big bowl of lukewarm Cream of Wheat made with fluoridated tap water instead of creamy goatsmilk.

Of this steaming bowl of mess, Kristen said, "I think they captured the exact amount of sweetie-darling." (BG's Note: NO. THEY. DID. NOT. EFF YEW -- THEY DID NOT.)

"I mean, it’s a totally different element, it’s a totally different show." (Yeah, thanks Captain Obvious...)

"We don’t smoke, we're not hungover all the time, we chew Nicorette (you wild child!), we’re trying to be more PC, but I think it really works." (You think incorrectly...)

"It’s one of those scripts that’s like my favorite kind because on paper you’re like, Oh, this is funny, but when you read it out loud with two actresses, it’s, like, the funniest $hit ever."
(Yeah, well, this from a woman who starred in Third Rock from the Sun...this mess sounds about as funny as a hemmorhoid covered in lemon juice. Actually, that hemmorhoid covered in lemon juice sounds funnier...)

Basically, this sounds more like a modern day version of Little House on the Prairie. This doesn't sound like AbFab at all. Why don't they just rename the characters and change the title to something like, Boiled Broccoli with Dog Poop On Top. Why drag the beautiful AbFab name down with them?

And on another note, when did Kristen Johnston become a garden lizard? Throw some dead flies at her mouth. That will keep her busy so she won't partake in screwing up a TV classic.

Why So Classy?: The Rock of Love Edition

I think the term "Why So Classy?" was coined specifically for this show. I tell people not to bother with beauty paegents, The Swan, or even that dated Miss America show...Rock of Love takes the cake in class, refinery, and elegance.

And last night's performance was yet another fun-filled trash extravaganza! So many gems, in fact, that I don't know where to begin.

First and foremost, Taya fell off the stage during one of the challenges while wearing a slutty French maid outfit. The physical humor notwithstanding, if you're going to fall off the stage, you might as well be dressed like a slut with a feather duster. I felt for Taya, I really did...but I was a little surprised that Taya could fall any further since she's already hit rock bottom (i.e., appearing on this show).

Next, the skanks were told to "dress to impress" for Bret. Most of them wore your standard groupie uniform straight out of the Flirt Catalog, but Brittanayaaa (that's how she pronounces it) gets the "My Fair Lady" award for her oh-so-sophisticated denim panties. (This is a family-friendly blog, so I can't post the photos here...)
Some of you may not be impressed, but I am. And, apparantly, in Skank-ese, "dress to impress" translates into "dress to work the Hunts Point track."

Then, a drunken Ashley made out with one of the other skanks and flipped out after she saw the lady beast known as Beverly kissing on Bret's drummer. When Beverly denied it (even though she got caught on camera), Ashley responded with: "I want a cheeseburger." For the record, that is the correct response for EVERYTHING. Clip below:

And finally, let's end with some more words of wisdom from Ashley the Philosopher. When one of the girls gave Ashley the side-eye for being drunk and classy, she had this to say: "Get over it. People puke and they poop their pants."

Ashley is the Nietzsche of this generation!

Why So Classy?

Today's installment of Why So Classy? comes to us courtesy of British pop star Lily Allen.

Ricky Wilson, singer for The Kaiser Chiefs, had quite a shock when he opened his cell phone and saw Allen's raunchy camera-phone photo, OK! reports. Minutes later, she texted, "Sorry -- Wrong Ricky!" Hmm, wonder which Ricky was suppose to receive that message?

Chris Moyles of Great Britain's Radio 1 said that Wilson was just confused by the message.

"Ricky goes to me: 'I got this weird text the other day from Lily Allen of her topless. And I'm looking at it going 'Why has she sent me that?'" Moyles explained. A minute later, Wilson received a follow-up text from Allen apologizing for the text.

Allen confirmed with the radio host that she did have a text message mix-up. "That was really embarrassing... I was completely topless," she told Moyles.

If you're going to send a raunchy text message, make sure it goes to the right person. Just ask Vanessa Hudgens.

Satan Plays Matchmaker

FoxNews' Pop Tarts says the walking wig cemetary known as Kim Zolciak and the scumbag of all scumbags Joe Francis are "dating."

Do you hear that? I think it's the sound of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse galloping towards us.

Or maybe it's just my breakfast doing a full turnaround.

Kim and her new Big Papa apparently were spotted "getting cozy" at Sundance this past weekend. They also shared a house together with some other classy people.

Nothing pretty can come out of this union. Nothing. There is not a pill out there strong enough to help me deal with seeing Kim lift her shirt up and flash her microwaved plasti-boobs in the next Girls Gone Wild video. They will have to change the title to Delusional Hags Gone Stone Cold Crazy.

There's a tightrope.....and I may need to throw myself off of it.

(For those of you who are quick to defend Joe Francis...I hope you don't have daughters under the age of 18, because he will be quick to ply them with alcohol and take full advantage of them. I have no problem with porn, so long as it involves CONSENTING ADULTS...taking advantage of teenagers crosses the line. Period.)

Why So Classy?

Yes, I'm on a roll this morning. But I'm THRILLED beyond measure that there are over 2 million people on the lawn in DC to watch the transfer of power to Barack Obama -- the elation in New York City is PALPABLE, and we're watching history in the making -- so I'm a little more giddy than usual.

And, gods bless my celebrities, they never leave me with a dearth of material.

ANYWAY, this edition of Why So Classy? comes to us courtesy of Julia Roberts. On her way to Islands (a hamburger place in the Southwest, which makes AWESOME burgers -- you can substitute a veggie patty for any of their selections, and trust me, this isn't McDonald's crap! Visit http://www.islandsrestaurants.com for details...), a pap caught her, and she proceeded to do her best impression of a truck driver.

I don't need to tell you that this video is NSFW. :-)