Why So Classy?: The Rock of Love Edition

I think the term "Why So Classy?" was coined specifically for this show. I tell people not to bother with beauty paegents, The Swan, or even that dated Miss America show...Rock of Love takes the cake in class, refinery, and elegance.

And last night's performance was yet another fun-filled trash extravaganza! So many gems, in fact, that I don't know where to begin.

First and foremost, Taya fell off the stage during one of the challenges while wearing a slutty French maid outfit. The physical humor notwithstanding, if you're going to fall off the stage, you might as well be dressed like a slut with a feather duster. I felt for Taya, I really did...but I was a little surprised that Taya could fall any further since she's already hit rock bottom (i.e., appearing on this show).

Next, the skanks were told to "dress to impress" for Bret. Most of them wore your standard groupie uniform straight out of the Flirt Catalog, but Brittanayaaa (that's how she pronounces it) gets the "My Fair Lady" award for her oh-so-sophisticated denim panties. (This is a family-friendly blog, so I can't post the photos here...)
Some of you may not be impressed, but I am. And, apparantly, in Skank-ese, "dress to impress" translates into "dress to work the Hunts Point track."

Then, a drunken Ashley made out with one of the other skanks and flipped out after she saw the lady beast known as Beverly kissing on Bret's drummer. When Beverly denied it (even though she got caught on camera), Ashley responded with: "I want a cheeseburger." For the record, that is the correct response for EVERYTHING. Clip below:

And finally, let's end with some more words of wisdom from Ashley the Philosopher. When one of the girls gave Ashley the side-eye for being drunk and classy, she had this to say: "Get over it. People puke and they poop their pants."

Ashley is the Nietzsche of this generation!

Why So Classy?: The Rock of Love Edition

It's nice to know that the departure of Miss Why So Classy? January 2009, Nikki La Vida Loka, hasn't stopped the classiness from free-flowing on Rock of Love. And Sunday's episode was yet another fun-filled trash extravaganza! In fact, I'm more than happy to dedicate a whole edition of Why So Classy? to the greatness!

First, Melissa busted her implant when she fell on the ice during a hockey game. (Oy)

Then, Melissa also got caught calling her boyfriend in the middle of the night and telling him she had no respect for Bret Michaels. Captain Obvious also told her man that Bret wears fake hair. Yeah, it was nice of you to join us, Melissa. You're 3 years too late in realizing Bret wears hair produced by Mattel.

In the end, Bret threw Melissa off the show because she talked trash about his bald head. (Yeah, that's always a deal-breaker...it wasn't the shallowness, the implants, the personality of a corpse, or the intellectual capacity of a patch of grass. No -- it was THIS, THIS, the calling-out of the fake hair, that made Bert decide she wasn't the woman of his dreams. *eye roll*)

But the best part of the episode was when Ashley and the other debutantes found out that Brittany had stolen their sweaty socks from the hockey game! Brittany admitted it but said she didn't steal it.

There was never any kind of explanation as to why Brittany stole their grossness, but Brittany is in the porn game, so I figured that nothing was off limits. The debutantes had better check the rest of their stuff, because Brittany probably stole their crusty panties, too. (Yeah, that was gross, but hey...I just report on the news. I don't make it...and YOU KNOW I'm right...)

And if Maria calls herself a "retired model" one more time, I'm going to make her lift up Bret's bandana and stare at his bald head.

Miss Why So Classy -- January 2009

I know I mentioned her before, but she's just so classy that she's earned the first-ever, bound to be immortal, Miss Why So Classy Award!

Once a month, I will suss through the troughs of trash-tastic television to find the few rare truffles such as these...and think of the marketing opportunities! The calendars! The spreads! The sponsorships! Fame, fortune, and stardom, all await you, my crown princesses!

This elegant creature was born Nikki Shamdassani. She also goes by DJ Lady Tribe and La Loka. According to the ever-reliable Wikipedia, she was a graffiti artist in Los Angeles, but went to jail too many times for it (nothing like suffering for your art), so she decided to become a DJ instead.

And now Nikki La Vida Loca is a national treasure for doing a shot from a test tube sticking out of another chick's PEREREICA on Rock of Love Bus.

Why did I pick her, so early in the month?
Well, look at her, really.
But what really sold me was her picture with Dakota Fanning on her MySpace site.

Seriously, it writes itself.

Congratulations, Nikki La Vida Loca -- you are Miss Why So Classy for the month of January!

Why So Classy?: The Celeb-Reality Edition

(WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK...HECK, NOT SAFE FOR LIFE!)



Well, we all knew this would be one steaming hot mess, but who knew -- WHO KNEW -- that this edition of Rock of Love w/Bret Michaels would take the cake in sleaziness? I mean, even in his prime, Bret (or BERT, as the Television Without Pity forum calls him -- sure, works for me too!) wasn't known for attracting the, uh, classiest of women. But good lord, I felt my upper lip tingle after this episode...and all I did was watch it!

That said, I'm sure I'll be tuning in every week. CURSE YOU, VH1, AND YOUR FANTASTICALLY HIDEOUS "REALITY" SHOWS!

So...onto the moment above. Nikki (the one with the two flotation devices on her chest area) was so "freakin' horny" on the first night, so she decided to do a shot. I won't say the name of the drink, or where she did the shot (hint: it has to do with the black bar across the screen...and for those of you who don't know Portuguese, PEREREICA is a slang term for a body part...and it's not referring to the pancreas).

Suffice it to say that Nikki has raised the bar of classiness to a whole new level. Expect this practice to be done at debutante balls across America -- heck, across the WORLD -- from hereinout.

Amazingly, Nikki didn't make it past the first night. I guess it's because she's too classy for Bert and his skanky groupie minions. That's okay...totally his loss.

Commandment No. 11: Thou Shalt Not Talk Trash About Sharon Osbourne's Family

The music industry maven known as Sharon Osbourne was the headmistress of Rock of Love: Charm School and she had to teach a bunch of back-alley, Jersey Shore-ish skanks how to be classy ladies (yeah, I know, I know). Well, I guess all that flew out of the window on Saturday night, because Sharon allegedly tried to rip out Megan Hauserman's (the blonde one who always looks like she's smelling a fart...like that really limits it) bleached weave for talking smack about Ozzy.

It all went down at the taping of the Charm School reunion show on Saturday night. According to TMZ, Megan told Sharon that she was only famous for managing a brain dead rock star named Ozzy Osbourne. Megan's little comment must have lit the fire in Sharon's butt, because she bounced off her seat and went after her. Sharon grabbed at Megan's back alley weave, pulling at it and scratching at her until security came in to pull the two apart.

Megan went to the hospital yesterday and filed a police report. The LAPD hasn't filed charges, but said that Sharon is a suspect in a minor battery.

In other, unrelated news, I'm starting the Sharon Osbourne Legal Defense Fund, which includes an attempt to raise William Kuntsler from the dead.

So it ISN'T real...

For the longest time I thought that Rock of Love's Brett Michael's hair was real and that he just had a bandanna fetish, but apparently I've been proven wrong.

He's revealed just exactly what is underneath that bandana of his!

"My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer," says Michaels. "I do the show without it on all the time and they won't film me. They are like, "Put your bandanna back on. It is your image." It is my signature thing."

Thanks to the producers, you don't have to see the nappy parts of his hair where it meets the extensions. I didn't think extensions and weaves could get any worse than the contestants on his show.

You have to wonder...how much of it is real hair and how much of it is extensions? I guess as long as theres groupies to worship the ground he walks on and producers to give him a show and do his hair, we'll never know.